Regardless of how extroverted or introverted you are, God made you to be with people. You were wired to be part of something bigger than yourself. This gives us all an innate desire for intimacy in many different shapes and sizes. But, where do you start? We don’t have the structure of school or classes to force us into friendships like it did when we were younger. How do we make lasting friendships and find a sense of secure intimacy with others in such a fast-paced world? Here are some ways to start building a community rich with deep relationships and genuine friendships.
Getting Involved
One of the easiest places to find a healthy community is by doing something with others that you love. This could be a sports team, a public hobby group, serving within your church or town or maybe walking your local trails. By getting out of your home and engaging somewhere with people who enjoy the same things you do, you have a better chance of meeting people who can be a part of your community. Check Facebook for groups in your city that have hobbies or topics you enjoy. You can also find a fellowship group through your church. Meeting with other believers, in a similar phase of life to you, outside of Sunday service, is a great shortcut to making new friends. However, we know it can be hard to create time for new events in our busy lives. But there are some ways to help prioritize building community in your life.
Carving Out Dedicated Time
There’s no getting around the fast-paced nature of the world we live in. As soon as one task or event ends, it’s on to the next, often with overlap and very little time to breathe in between. We are constantly forced to make decisions and prioritize one thing over the next. The first step in building a community for yourself is recognizing how to prioritize it. This is something that will take time and effort, especially as you start, it may feel like you are seeing little to no fruit from all your efforts. A meaningful community finds ways to support each other even in the midst of our busiest seasons.
Side-by-Side Friendships
Not every friendship needs to start in an organized coffee meeting every Tuesday morning before work. In fact, it’s often easier to take a “side-by-side” approach to making new friends. This means including others in your busy life. Invite friends and other families to the events that you are already involved in. Choosing to do life together! Instead of the kids’ baseball game pulling you away from deepening friendships, invite those friends to come to the game with you! Or maybe you have to make dinner for the family and stay home while the kids go to bed. Invite friends and their families to join you! They can even bring a dish to help take some of the cooking load off of you! Including others in your family and home life may be intimidating, but it is one of the easiest and most genuine ways to show friends who you truly are.
Finding Courage to be Vulnerable
Now, you may be thinking that it’s too personal or too invasive to include someone in your life like that so quickly. However, is running your kids to and from school, sports and clubs every day not an important part of your life? This hesitation you may be feeling comes from a fear of vulnerability.
What happens when they see me struggling? What if my hair’s not fixed? What will they think if the laundry is still on the couch? Is this outfit too formal? Do I need to be more casual? What if I’m not good enough for them?
Trust me, sister, you are not alone in these anxieties. In fact, the people that you are worried about impressing, are probably also having similar thoughts. The best thing you can do to build real, meaningful relationships is to allow yourself to be vulnerable with others. If you’re having someone over for dinner, the house does not have to be in perfect condition. If you’re meeting a friend for coffee, you don’t have to look like the most recent issue of Vogue. It’s okay to let your imperfections show a bit. Nobody is perfect. Pretending to be can be devastating and exhausting. Let others see the real you, including the occasional frizzy hair or dirty dishes in the sink, because there’s nothing wrong with the real you. You and what you feel are imperfections, are still worthy of love and friendship.
Extending the Olive Branch
The next step in being vulnerable is being honest in conversation. It doesn’t need to be all the time, or even often. But allow your conversations with friends to carry farther than, “What did you do this week?” Have intentional conversations about heart posture and general well-being. Having deep conversations about the hardships of life not only creates unique relationships but also helps build you up. Just as Hebrews 10:25 says, we can stir each other up to good works. Open yourself up to talking about things that you are struggling with. Maybe there’s an aspect of your spiritual life that’s bothering you or your significant other just doesn’t seem to be treating you the same way that they used to. However big or small, opening up can be like an olive branch, extending an offering of peace and vulnerability, to show that you are looking for an enriching relationship. The reality is that most people are looking for that olive branch, so when you present it, you will likely find that they also have an olive branch to extend to you.
Serving Others
Conversation is not the only way to build genuine relationships, however. Finding ways to demonstrate your care for another person is a great way to express yourself, especially if you don’t feel like you are good at articulating your thoughts with words. This could be small things like offering to help clean up at an event, or even a card to express your appreciation for them hosting. It will vary from person to person and event to event what kind of service you can do to show your appreciation. More intimate friendships may look more like helping someone finish laundry, or take care of yard work! Or, simply bring a cup of coffee for someone when you know they’ve had it rough recently. Understanding what kinds of ways you prefer to express love and appreciation will help you do so more often.
Maybe you’re willing to take this a step further and serve in your church or greater community area! Volunteer to rock babies in the nursery. Or maybe being on the kitchen clean-up crew is more your style. Look up the non-profits in your area. Most towns have a pregnancy resource center, a homeless shelter, a foster community, a prison ministry, kids outreach programs, etc. that you can plug into. What is your passion? Turn that passion into a community you can serve alongside! You may be surprised at just how many things there are that you can do to build relationships outside of conversation-based interaction!
Be Present
Maybe everything else feels like too big of a step right now. That’s okay. Don’t rush into something if you’re too uncomfortable to be yourself. Maybe rather than jumping head-first into something, you can take it a little slower. Test the waters a bit. Go to events and be present. That’s all your first step has to be. Make some conversation, add input to group discussions, or simply smile and wave! Starting to attend events and meetings whether through church or a different community is a great step to take! All you need to do is take it one step at a time, and before you know it, you’ll have opportunities to make deeper connections and real friendships.
Bring It to God
Sister, this is a lot of information to process. The reality is that there are so many ways to begin to build friendships and community that will provide lasting genuine support for you and your family. In all of this, it’s easy to get caught up in what we are doing and end up leaving God out of the picture.
The words of Philippians 4:6-7 remind us, “6Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (NIV). Take time to pray through these ideas. Talk to God about your desires for a strong community. Lament to Him if you feel anger or resentment for not already having deep friendships to rely on. Keep God in the conversation and He will guide your heart to the things you need.
One final thought for these challenging endeavors to build a community for yourself is that you are never alone. Almost everyone else in the world is looking for friends that they can rely on. Friends that they can have a laugh with. And friends that they can walk through life together with. However, even more than that sister, God is always with you. He will hold your hand when social anxiety feels overwhelming. Lean on His guidance as you pursue building a meaningful support system for your soul.
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